Only In Hogwarts
by Wangster610
Summary: There's an upcoming quidditch match between G/S. But before that, the students and teachers are all having fun just trying to kill each other. The food fight of Hogwarts and the battle between Snape and McGonagall. THE FUNNIEST STUFF EVER WRITTEN!! R


Only In Hogwarts  
  
By Princess Pamela  
  
Chapter 1: And So It Begins  
  
Disclaimer: These ideas are totally mine! But JKR was the genius who created this plot. I spent a lot of time on this, so please read but do not copy. ;)  
  
Summary: There's an upcoming quidditch match between G/S. But before that, the students and teachers are all having fun just trying to kill each other. The food fight of Hogwarts and the battle between Snape and McGonagall. THE FUNNIEST STUFF EVER WRITTEN!! R&R  
  
Hermione got out of bed and the day started out almost normally. Lately there had been a lot more tension between the Gryffindors and Slytherins because of their upcoming Quidditch match.  
  
There had been unstoppable magical food fights between the houses for the past two weeks. The Hufflepuffs were against the Slytherins because they had lost to Slytherins in the previous match. The Ravenclaws were against the Gryffindors because through complicated calculations, they could win the House Cup if Gryffindor lost the match.  
  
These bitter fights left almost everyone in constant vigilance, especially during mealtimes when these infamous food fights broke out.  
  
And for good reason too. Who likes to have peas stuck a foot down the nose? Was the nose even that long? Or a piece of carrot plugged in the ear? Or be knocked out by a roll in "no-man's land" and be covered in a mountain of food only to be dug out hours later gasping for breath? This, by the way, has already happened everyday to our dear Neville who never did react fast enough, but today it was enlarged salmon that knocked him out.  
  
Some Gryffindors tried to make a human chain to reach him from the Gryffindor table, but the Slytherins took advantage of this and several Gryffindors were downed. But the Gryffindors would never leave a man behind.  
  
"HQ!! HQ!! I HAVE MEN DOWN, I REPEAT, MEN DOWN!!!" cried Seamus Finnigan, commander of Beta Area. "NEED REINFORCEMENTS A.S.A.P. OVER."  
  
"NO CAN DO, BETA SQUAD. SIGMA AREA UNDER SIEGE BY FIGS AND UNDERRIPE PLUMS AND THEY LET LOOSE MRS. NORRIS IN THE KAPPA AND THETA AREAS. ALHPA AND DELTA AREAS TOO FAR AWAY TO REACH YOU. I'M SENDING THE 'THE TERMINATRIX'. OVER," replied Harry Potter, Chief in Command of Food Fight Covert Operations.  
  
"'THE TERMINATRIX?' NEGATIVE CHIEF. 'THE TERMINATRIX' MAY BE TOO POWERFUL. REMEMBER WE'RE STILL UNCERTAIN ABOUT ITS CAPABILITIES AND ITS CONSEQUENCES. REMEMBER THE FIRST TEST RUN? OVER."  
  
"ALL TOO WELL, SEAMUS, I MEAN BETA COMMANDER. BUT WE HAVE NO CHOICE. AND YOU HAVE ORDERS. 'THE TERMINATRIX WILL ARRIVE AT 1239 HOURS. BE PREPARED. CAST SELF-SHIELDING SPELLS. OVER AND OUT," was Harry's order.  
  
The transmission ended. Seamus looked at his synchronized wizard's watch, it read army time: 1237.  
  
************  
  
At last the bitter feelings between the professors erupted. Professor McGonagall had already flung scalding stew into Professor Snape's face, that was, after he made her slip on a banana peel and fall into a vat of gravy then covered her in feathers as soon as she climbed out of the vat whose sides were slippery with grease (probably from this hair).  
  
And when Professor Dumbledore tried to stop them, he ended up with spiky, streaky pink hair and beard, a deformed foot, a sudden urge of diarrhea, a bulbous nose with long blonde nose hairs extending from the nostrils, and robes five sizes too small.  
  
He had unfortunately stepped in when they finally pulled out their wands after their mud fight on the Head Table after they accidentally knocked Professor Trelawney down the Chamber of Secrets.  
  
Their antics did not stop with an odd looking Dumbledore. But both of them were too intent on continuing their 'death' match. They did not realize they were suddenly outside the castle on broomsticks being chased by two tampered Bludgers on the Quidditch Pitch after accidentally transfiguring Hagrid, who tried to stop them, into a female, courtesy of McGonagall, or was is Snape? Who the heck could tell?  
  
Madame Hooch had tried to fly to them on her Cleansweep but she was no match for their top-of-the-line broomsticks. And as she looked on after them, Snape aimed a hex at McGonagall's broomstick which she ducked and it hit her (Hooch's) broomstick which bucked like a wild bull and she being the Flying Instructor of Hogwarts, broke the world record of Hexed Broom Riding by 74 seconds.  
  
However, Hooch was thrown off after that and before she hit the ground from her 80-foot drop, a crazy Bludger sped at top speed towards her. Once again she proved her skill in Wandless Wizard Athletics and held onto the Bludger 12 days 22 hours 34 minutes and exactly 40 seconds longer than the world record which was 96 days 23 hours 48 minutes 55 seconds 4 nanoseconds and 5 half-life reactions.  
  
(A steady crowd had gathered at the Quidditch Pitch to witness this epochal moment in history. She gained much renown for this afterwards.)  
  
Snape had 'borrowed' Draco's Nimbus 2001 and McGonagall 'borrowed' Harry's Firebolt. Snape had a lot more skill in flying and McGonagall knew this, but the Nimbus was no match for the Firebolt. So Snape hexed her broom, and she crashed into the Whooping Willow, but before she did, she used an Accio spell on his Nimbus and he crashed along with her.  
  
The brooms fortunately saved themselves just in time because Harry and Draco had enough brains to cast Unbreakable and Calling charms on them. The brooms simply dashed away to the calling of their masters who just so happened to need them in the Great Hall, in the worst (or best) food fight of Hogwarts History.  
  
Anyways, Snape and McGonagall were in the tree that was putting up a terrific fight. McGonagall knew Snape was stronger and quicker and they were about equally matched in skill of wands, she knew she was at a disadvantage.  
  
Oh, but wait!! (Forgive the author) McGonagall is an Aimagus!  
  
While they dueled some more, the poor Willow was rent with holes. One of these holes, revealed a beetle, with uncanny physical characteristics resembling Rita Skeeter, which was concealed within.  
  
At this point, McGonagall changed into a cat.  
  
But while as a cat, she could not use her wand nor could she attack Snape head-on. But through years of practicing difficult Cat Gymnastics, she was able to stand on her hind legs and use her paws to grab and (through a series if twists and turns that nearly defies the laws of physics) throw small objects such as yarn balls.  
  
But she could never hold a wand for the obvious reason: she had no thumbs (duh!).  
  
So while Snape hissed curses, hexes, and charms, McGonagall threw small objects from every direction at him. She threw everything that she could find in the tree: stones, squirrels, chipmunks, wasp nests, a teapot, a discarded boot, five rubber ducks, and a beetle.  
  
This particular beetle, with uncanny physical characteristics resembling Rita Skeeter (reiteration is fun!), was extremely helpful to McGonagall. She had thrown it at Snape's back and it landed on his greasy hair. It slid down from the hair because the hair was just too greasy, it could not find anything to hold onto. Into the collar of the black sweaty robes and dress shirt the beetle slid and still it could not find a hold of anything because its beetle legs were covered in grease. And down the sweaty, muscular back it slid until it was stopped by the part where his dress shirt was tucked into his pants.  
  
It began to crawl, to find a way out.  
  
In the meantime, Snape realized something was down his shirt and being ticklish, he began to shake and scratch at his abdomen crazily. He did not laugh, remember ladies and gentlemen, this is Snape, he laughs not.  
  
This only made matters worse because this created an opening at the waistline of the pants (I guess he was not wearing a belt, he's too cool for one) and the beetle, with uncanny physical characteristics resembling Rita Skeeter, slid further down.  
  
TBC  
  
A/N: I HOPED YOU LIKE THAT!!! NOW GO REVIEW!!! IF YOU WANT MORE I WON'T WRITE MORE UNTIL I GET 10 REVIEWS!!! ALSO GO READ MY OTHER FANFIC: NOT WHAT SHE SEEMS!!!  
  
If anyone out there, who knows the term for not having thumbs, please notify at once. I will give you a peanut butter cookie (because I hate them)! I hate it when my brain leaks information that I have gained throughout my sixteen years. 


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